Chez Palazzo
Perhaps it was the move, perhaps it was just the progression of the disease, perhaps the urinary tract infections that keep on coming...whatever it was, Mom is on the move into other stages of the disease. While Dad is doing all right in the new apartment, Mom is really struggling. Because Mom is struggling, the joy of living without the Warden (me) has paled for Dad.
Mom doesn't believe that the apartment is their new home...around 4 pm (some of you know that as the sundown time), she wants to go home..."Where are we and when are we going home?" She gets anxious, and is hard to calm down. While there are familiar items all around her, the rug is new, as is the couch...her furniture from Florida just doesn't ring any bells in her brain. Only their bedroom furniture is within her memory, and that has to be pointed out, gently.
Dad was never really good with "gently". He coached adults and kids for years, umpired as well, but gently? No, not at all. Firm? Yes. Knowledgeable? Yes. He could make us girls cry at the drop of a tone. Quickly, Dad learned to avoid the tone, but never to the point of gently! Mom wasn't good with it either...you would have thought bandaids were twenty bucks each! No kissy booboo in our house! Old dogs, new tricks? Not so much.
So we've moved in other directions, with regard to dealing with the "I want to go home". Now, we say, "Well, we can't go today, because..." Some days it is because it is too cold, others too rainy, others, well, we find lots of reasons. Or we say, "It's ok to stay here tonight, because you will be safe here." It took 2 emergency visits down "south" in the midst of sleet and snow storms for me to get Dad to pick up on this change of language.
"I feel badly lying to her", he says...WHAT? So I patiently (trying for gently!) explain why he has to go with the day by day attitude, and not try to change her mind...can't change the mind for those whose minds are not in place anymore.
Wow, that sounded harsh...but it is true! Dealing with this dementia, Alzheimers, memory loss, brain drain, whatever we want to call it, should require a basic class in how to use language that works. Back when this whole journey began, Dad kept saying, "She has to learn..." He wasn't the only one - other family members said the same things. Now we are way past that point, but there is still denial going on.
So, I continue to try and see Mom, talk to Dad every day, even as they are not here with us. I try to head off the emergency visits..."You have to come here right now, she is driving me crazy"...anticipation of these events is helpful.
They just finished a month of help - turns out the UTI was reason to get a Visiting Nurse, a CNA, a Speech Therapist and a Physical Therapist. People were coming in and out every day but on the weekends. Now that her UTI is over, the help is all gone. The PT did give her 2 pound weights to play with (got my Dad some too, so he can exercise with her!), the Speech person did verify her lack of word recognition (so we move to picture books, music, large piece puzzles and cards). The CNA helped with showers, so I'll be doing that again. It was actually a good month, with all of that help Dad had, I was just in the background.
Mom was also prescribed an anti-anxiety pill, mild, that is supposed to help her sleep, but that's not really working so good. Probably going to try a daylight lamp for her, for the winter, to help with sleep.
Trying to keep remembering all the wonderful things that I've learned and continue to learn with this experience. It is humbling and achingly painful...yet, there is something simple and relaxing in it as well, as I get Mom to a calm point. It is a lot like that feeling that I get, as a teacher, when the lightbulb goes on for the student. It makes me think, and pushes me to be as gentle as I can be with her. Gently isn't in my natural make up, but I'm learning, and glad I'm not that old a dog, yet.
Mom doesn't believe that the apartment is their new home...around 4 pm (some of you know that as the sundown time), she wants to go home..."Where are we and when are we going home?" She gets anxious, and is hard to calm down. While there are familiar items all around her, the rug is new, as is the couch...her furniture from Florida just doesn't ring any bells in her brain. Only their bedroom furniture is within her memory, and that has to be pointed out, gently.
Dad was never really good with "gently". He coached adults and kids for years, umpired as well, but gently? No, not at all. Firm? Yes. Knowledgeable? Yes. He could make us girls cry at the drop of a tone. Quickly, Dad learned to avoid the tone, but never to the point of gently! Mom wasn't good with it either...you would have thought bandaids were twenty bucks each! No kissy booboo in our house! Old dogs, new tricks? Not so much.
So we've moved in other directions, with regard to dealing with the "I want to go home". Now, we say, "Well, we can't go today, because..." Some days it is because it is too cold, others too rainy, others, well, we find lots of reasons. Or we say, "It's ok to stay here tonight, because you will be safe here." It took 2 emergency visits down "south" in the midst of sleet and snow storms for me to get Dad to pick up on this change of language.
"I feel badly lying to her", he says...WHAT? So I patiently (trying for gently!) explain why he has to go with the day by day attitude, and not try to change her mind...can't change the mind for those whose minds are not in place anymore.
Wow, that sounded harsh...but it is true! Dealing with this dementia, Alzheimers, memory loss, brain drain, whatever we want to call it, should require a basic class in how to use language that works. Back when this whole journey began, Dad kept saying, "She has to learn..." He wasn't the only one - other family members said the same things. Now we are way past that point, but there is still denial going on.
So, I continue to try and see Mom, talk to Dad every day, even as they are not here with us. I try to head off the emergency visits..."You have to come here right now, she is driving me crazy"...anticipation of these events is helpful.
They just finished a month of help - turns out the UTI was reason to get a Visiting Nurse, a CNA, a Speech Therapist and a Physical Therapist. People were coming in and out every day but on the weekends. Now that her UTI is over, the help is all gone. The PT did give her 2 pound weights to play with (got my Dad some too, so he can exercise with her!), the Speech person did verify her lack of word recognition (so we move to picture books, music, large piece puzzles and cards). The CNA helped with showers, so I'll be doing that again. It was actually a good month, with all of that help Dad had, I was just in the background.
Mom was also prescribed an anti-anxiety pill, mild, that is supposed to help her sleep, but that's not really working so good. Probably going to try a daylight lamp for her, for the winter, to help with sleep.
Trying to keep remembering all the wonderful things that I've learned and continue to learn with this experience. It is humbling and achingly painful...yet, there is something simple and relaxing in it as well, as I get Mom to a calm point. It is a lot like that feeling that I get, as a teacher, when the lightbulb goes on for the student. It makes me think, and pushes me to be as gentle as I can be with her. Gently isn't in my natural make up, but I'm learning, and glad I'm not that old a dog, yet.
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