Better to think of the past than the future?
Today was hard. Mom and Dad's 57th wedding anniversary was today. We brought pizza up to the nursing home, and I made brownies. We got the conference room so we could sort of have a private celebration. Mom was a bit off by the change in procedures, but she did OK at first. A bit too many people, however she acclimated to us all. Dad has been saying she was smacking him a bit during lunches, so my sister and I put our heads together and suggested to him that he go see her after lunch to minimize his "upset" and frustration with his feelings about Mom.
"I'm not upset. I'm not frustrated."
"Really? Cause you said you were..."
"I don't mind. I just don't like seeing her like this," while he argued with Mom about her eating a piece of pizza (shoving it in her mouth then pulling it away as she fully opened her mouth).
Well, to be honest, I don't think any of us LIKE this, but as I've said before, we live for the moments when Mom is present. She looks at us directly, or she smiles just a bit, or even says a full sentence that meets the occasion.
Dad is just not really good with Mom these days. I think he is more concerned with how others see him as a caregiver than what he actually does. His frustrations and irritations come through to Mom when he is helping her eat. She in turn feeds off of those emotions and gives it back to him the best way she knows how - by yelling at him in nonsensical words and refusing to open her mouth when he puts food near it.
We try to model, my sister and I, but he just doesn't do it.
Now, Dad needs a hip replacement. We only know what he has said to us, we haven't yet talked to the doctor. He expects us to take care of him, of course. He has told us 3 different dates, a few different stories about falling. Yet, he continues to go up and down stairs (diner, mainly!), and is now using a borrowed walker (thanks, Uncle Don!).
He has told us he's going to need us to grocery shop for him, to do everything he needs. At first he wanted rehab where Mom is. Now, though, "someone" said to him that would be too confusing for Mom because he would be there with her and she would get used to that (she has DEMENTIA and doesn't remember anything that happened 10 minutes ago, let alone 10 hours ago!).
He's told everyone around him so very many stories about the impending operation and his expectations of his daughters. The people he hasn't told are his daughters! All we know is about the shopping (how much food do you think he really needs???) which we can do weekly for crying out loud.
So, add another wrinkle to life, another fun event to deal with.
Back to the "party"...We didn't give them a card, but got together and did pizza and brownies - about what Mom could handle. I really don't think that was enough for Dad, but I'll find out about that tomorrow at breakfast.
As for frustration and being upset? Funny how both my sister and I have a similar ritual when we go to see Mom and help her with dinner. We try to let go of our anxieties about her, our frustrations with a horrible medical system that doesn't do well with the people part of dementia (don't think it matters where one is here in America-medication is a given), her lack of connectivity with us in her "new life". We smile and laugh, and breath in and out slowly to convey security for her. Then we play the radio screamingly loud when we are alone on our way home.
All of us rub her back and indulge her need to kiss our hands and arms. We all hold her hands so she can squeeze them instead of pulling at her own hair in frustration over her lack of language. All of us love her dearly and deeply. It is hard for all of us, but most of all for her.
The future for her is harder to deal with than the past is now. Yet, we cannot leave her in the past and move on. She remains in our present, and our future.
"I'm not upset. I'm not frustrated."
"Really? Cause you said you were..."
"I don't mind. I just don't like seeing her like this," while he argued with Mom about her eating a piece of pizza (shoving it in her mouth then pulling it away as she fully opened her mouth).
Well, to be honest, I don't think any of us LIKE this, but as I've said before, we live for the moments when Mom is present. She looks at us directly, or she smiles just a bit, or even says a full sentence that meets the occasion.
Dad is just not really good with Mom these days. I think he is more concerned with how others see him as a caregiver than what he actually does. His frustrations and irritations come through to Mom when he is helping her eat. She in turn feeds off of those emotions and gives it back to him the best way she knows how - by yelling at him in nonsensical words and refusing to open her mouth when he puts food near it.
We try to model, my sister and I, but he just doesn't do it.
Now, Dad needs a hip replacement. We only know what he has said to us, we haven't yet talked to the doctor. He expects us to take care of him, of course. He has told us 3 different dates, a few different stories about falling. Yet, he continues to go up and down stairs (diner, mainly!), and is now using a borrowed walker (thanks, Uncle Don!).
He has told us he's going to need us to grocery shop for him, to do everything he needs. At first he wanted rehab where Mom is. Now, though, "someone" said to him that would be too confusing for Mom because he would be there with her and she would get used to that (she has DEMENTIA and doesn't remember anything that happened 10 minutes ago, let alone 10 hours ago!).
He's told everyone around him so very many stories about the impending operation and his expectations of his daughters. The people he hasn't told are his daughters! All we know is about the shopping (how much food do you think he really needs???) which we can do weekly for crying out loud.
So, add another wrinkle to life, another fun event to deal with.
Back to the "party"...We didn't give them a card, but got together and did pizza and brownies - about what Mom could handle. I really don't think that was enough for Dad, but I'll find out about that tomorrow at breakfast.
As for frustration and being upset? Funny how both my sister and I have a similar ritual when we go to see Mom and help her with dinner. We try to let go of our anxieties about her, our frustrations with a horrible medical system that doesn't do well with the people part of dementia (don't think it matters where one is here in America-medication is a given), her lack of connectivity with us in her "new life". We smile and laugh, and breath in and out slowly to convey security for her. Then we play the radio screamingly loud when we are alone on our way home.
All of us rub her back and indulge her need to kiss our hands and arms. We all hold her hands so she can squeeze them instead of pulling at her own hair in frustration over her lack of language. All of us love her dearly and deeply. It is hard for all of us, but most of all for her.
The future for her is harder to deal with than the past is now. Yet, we cannot leave her in the past and move on. She remains in our present, and our future.
Comments
Post a Comment