Mothering Day
Some of you know I am not a big fan of Mother's Day. Years ago, when I became a mother, we had the Mothers over for Mother's Day. Some years it was cold cuts, other years, burgers and dogs. We always had a homemade cake. Then one year I had enough of that. So my sister Carla had a brunch that she set up and invited all her folks to - it was lovely, of course. I came across pictures of it when going through her photos.
It was in the community room at Tide Harbor .where she lived at the time. She made eggs, and meats, there was fruit salad, pastries, rolls. Orange and other fruit juices. Really nice, but a LOT of work. Now Carla was thought by many not to have had any children, but in reality, she raised a bunch of kids over the years. Like many people, she learned (as did all of her kids) that you do not have to give birth to a person to raise that person right - to be a Mother. Just like all of us Mothers, she learned that even with the best of intentions, those children go their own ways and don't always become the people we want them to be.
Being a Mother isn't really about raising people to become what we want them to be. It's about given them choices and teaching them that sometimes those choices aren't good ones, but they are choices nonetheless. Of course we are proud of the people these children become, because even in that worst "behaving" kid, there is an element of brightness - of light - of future. We see this because we are Mothers and that's what Mothers do - they see the light of the future.
In this lifelong work of Mothering, there is heartbreak and heart rise. We must have both, of course. Even when we lose our children, through death or breaking away, or disappearance, we are still Mothers to them. We don't always get it right - in fact, it truly is work for which there is no "end game". We wonder forever if we could have, should have done something different - in a macro as well as a micro way. Did making her sit at the table with those green beans really make her a better person? Did joking about his fear of spiders really toughen him up? Did leaving her bike at the playground really teach her responsibility?
Within Mothering, there is also the legacy of our own parents. That singer did get it right - it isn't just about our Mothers, it is also our Fathers who teach us to be Mothers, after all. We have all heard and felt our Mothers' words coming out of our mouths. The legacy left to us lives on in our own practices as parents - which is both a blessing and a curse, of course.
Carla knew this, as did my Mother and many of the Mothers I know. Most of us did our Mothering the best way we knew how. While there are lots of books, and documentaries, and ways to learn to be a Mother, in the end doing it is the only way to learn.
May my children forgive me my mistakes as their Mother, may they be the persons they have chosen to be, with gladness in their hearts for those choices, may they be kind and strong, stop and see beauty all around them.
It was in the community room at Tide Harbor .where she lived at the time. She made eggs, and meats, there was fruit salad, pastries, rolls. Orange and other fruit juices. Really nice, but a LOT of work. Now Carla was thought by many not to have had any children, but in reality, she raised a bunch of kids over the years. Like many people, she learned (as did all of her kids) that you do not have to give birth to a person to raise that person right - to be a Mother. Just like all of us Mothers, she learned that even with the best of intentions, those children go their own ways and don't always become the people we want them to be.
Being a Mother isn't really about raising people to become what we want them to be. It's about given them choices and teaching them that sometimes those choices aren't good ones, but they are choices nonetheless. Of course we are proud of the people these children become, because even in that worst "behaving" kid, there is an element of brightness - of light - of future. We see this because we are Mothers and that's what Mothers do - they see the light of the future.
In this lifelong work of Mothering, there is heartbreak and heart rise. We must have both, of course. Even when we lose our children, through death or breaking away, or disappearance, we are still Mothers to them. We don't always get it right - in fact, it truly is work for which there is no "end game". We wonder forever if we could have, should have done something different - in a macro as well as a micro way. Did making her sit at the table with those green beans really make her a better person? Did joking about his fear of spiders really toughen him up? Did leaving her bike at the playground really teach her responsibility?
Within Mothering, there is also the legacy of our own parents. That singer did get it right - it isn't just about our Mothers, it is also our Fathers who teach us to be Mothers, after all. We have all heard and felt our Mothers' words coming out of our mouths. The legacy left to us lives on in our own practices as parents - which is both a blessing and a curse, of course.
Carla knew this, as did my Mother and many of the Mothers I know. Most of us did our Mothering the best way we knew how. While there are lots of books, and documentaries, and ways to learn to be a Mother, in the end doing it is the only way to learn.
May my children forgive me my mistakes as their Mother, may they be the persons they have chosen to be, with gladness in their hearts for those choices, may they be kind and strong, stop and see beauty all around them.
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