Putting away 2019...opening up 2020

Reflecting upon this past year, with too many emotions that are "opposites". Sadness and frustration, happiness and satisfaction...spent time with cousins of my youth, and their families...showed my favorite North American city to a great friend, spent time at the Casino for the WNBA games of the Sun, taught Algebra (me!), and now Criminal Justice.

Family was both a pleasure and a challenge. Why I thought as I aged this would be easier, who knows! It isn't. Dealt with Dad's accident, came together with family (well, some of us) for care issues. We're glad he didn't end up a floater, for sure.

Mom is still in my mind, as are Nancy and Carla. I said "in" and mean that. "On", to me, just sits on top, floats around, up and down and all around. "In" means in there - poking around at memories and thoughts and plans - sometimes a great fit, other times like a splinter.

Friends dealt with loss, sadly - my thoughts and support are with them always. While loss of a person is so absolutely horrible, I remind myself that to have had the person at all was so worth it. Could any of us have let go of the memories so as not to have the pain of loss? Not likely.

Loss of relationships within the family has been a struggle as well. I do firmly believe that counseling provides much needed assistance, but wonder about the impact of it. I fear that family relationships will never be the force they once were, as breaking the ties is often now part of counseling's recommendations. There is so much ghosting within families. The reasons aren't always clear, nor are apologies enough.

Mistakes in parenting have come to bite me in my big ass...I often wonder what my relationship with my Mom and Dad would have been like if I had blamed them for all of their faults over the years. I know I screwed up many times...Parenting and Marriage are the two hardest processes in life, after all. Mistakes are part of those. Arghhhh. Hindsight is, of course, nearly always 20:20.

Hey - 20:20 in 2020! It's the little things, right?

New year, new thoughts, new challenges, new attitudes!
Leave alone that which is not in my power to change...
Pay more attention to what is needed around me...in the now...what is that in today's "words" - Mindfulness, right?
Be cognizant of time...as the child of a parent who died of dementia, that is urgent for me, and a fear.
Do what makes me happy...well, that can't be all the time, but more than in the past.
Look for beauty...do it more.
Look for growth...not pounds!!! but mentally!
Be kind...sometimes a struggle with my sarcastic self.
Be delighted at small and big wonders...
Laugh more than I cry...
Worry less about that which I cannot influence...is that the same as my first one?
Experience new challenges with gusto and energy...great word - gusto...GUSTO!!!


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