I should be grading...
I primarily work out of my home these days, as most of you know. I got a call last night to pick up the tail end of an online class, so I should have been grading most of the afternoon, and now. I had to stop awhile ago, as Dad dropped Mom off in my office, and said, "Sit with Judi, and she'll tell you that you live here."
He does this with some frequency, which makes me wonder what he does when she starts asking him questions about her life when I'm not here. For Mother's Day, we made Mom a notebook, with pictures and explanations of all the important people in her life over the past 25 years. This is what he is supposed to give her to help with what is typically called sun downing.
My theory of sun downing is that this is the time Mom remembers that she doesn't remember. Because of this, it is a very upsetting deal for her. My Mom is still vibrant, funny, concerned about her appearance, wears her bracelets every day. She still jokes, and most of the day is pretty happy go lucky. Then, sometime around 4:30 or so in the afternoon (and it isn't a predictable thing...), she starts driving Dad even more crazy with questions. She remembers that she can no longer remember. Life becomes a pretty scary place.
Usually, it takes about 10 or 15 minutes to soothe her, and she will accept the information given. The information can include what happened to their house in Lordship, where they lived for over 35 years, what happened to their home in Florida, which they sold recently, and she hadn't been to in over a year.
Today, though, it was much more than that. Today, she needed (it is a need, not a want) to hear about the last 20 to 25 years, including what happened to her daughter, my sister, Nancy. She needed to know about Nancy's purchase of their Lordship home, her marriage, the sale of the home, and Nancy's move to the Carolinas with her husband (who is not a nice man). She needed to know about Nancy's death as well.
I sit here looking at the computer screen and realize I still have such sorrow about my Mom and Nancy as well. I realize, that for all intents and purposes, it isn't easy to "deal" with either loss. But it has to be this way, doesn't it? I realize that all over we are all dealing with our losses. Relationships, people, homes, jobs, memories...
OK, back to Mom. I went through most of the family history, including my sister Amy's marriage and reminding Mom she has 2 grandchildren that are Amy and Bobby's kids. Sad again, to have to tell Mom who I am, and explain about our children. Move past the sad to the information she wants and needs. I tell her about our kids and where they are and how proud we are of them, and that Miah is in Europe this week. Casey moved to Louisiana, and the others have their own apartments as well. What I didn't feel the need to say is that we had the kids move out, only to have the "kids" move in! Dirty dishes in their room, including glasses, spoons...dirty clothes on the floor, dresser is a mess.
Back to Europe. Well, Mom brightened right up, and said, "I was there with you! France!" Boy, sometimes you do make good decisions, don't you? That was a good decision, back in 2005 or 2006, to bring Mom to Paris. I was worried a bit about it at the time, but in addition to her vibrant nature, she is a trooper. She traveled so very well, loved every minute of the trip and had NO patience with some of the "ugly Americans" who were in our group.
Talking with Mom about history of us is good for me, too, because it reminds me of all the crazy fun stuff we have done and still can do.
I finished up with bringing her the notebook we made. She opened it up and immediately started flipping through the pages. Dad finally came back into the room, and looked at the book with her. That's when I started to get teary. It's the true meaning of bittersweet, I think. Thanks, Patti, for using that word the other day - it just fits.
Now, I know you all expect some laughs and there really were some funny spots, including Mom saying, "But what happened to my brain? I'm not crazy, right?" You're probably all "That's not funny", but her face was quite funny. She did the "I'm crazy as a loon" face...I told her "Worms ate your brain" and she laughed. She was very concerned about being "not like Nonny, right?" and I assured her she was no wicked witch, and was easy and we loved her very much. Not sure she bought that last part - she screwed her face up, like a 7 year old boy whose aunt hugs him too tightly!
As I said, I should be grading...
He does this with some frequency, which makes me wonder what he does when she starts asking him questions about her life when I'm not here. For Mother's Day, we made Mom a notebook, with pictures and explanations of all the important people in her life over the past 25 years. This is what he is supposed to give her to help with what is typically called sun downing.
My theory of sun downing is that this is the time Mom remembers that she doesn't remember. Because of this, it is a very upsetting deal for her. My Mom is still vibrant, funny, concerned about her appearance, wears her bracelets every day. She still jokes, and most of the day is pretty happy go lucky. Then, sometime around 4:30 or so in the afternoon (and it isn't a predictable thing...), she starts driving Dad even more crazy with questions. She remembers that she can no longer remember. Life becomes a pretty scary place.
Usually, it takes about 10 or 15 minutes to soothe her, and she will accept the information given. The information can include what happened to their house in Lordship, where they lived for over 35 years, what happened to their home in Florida, which they sold recently, and she hadn't been to in over a year.
Today, though, it was much more than that. Today, she needed (it is a need, not a want) to hear about the last 20 to 25 years, including what happened to her daughter, my sister, Nancy. She needed to know about Nancy's purchase of their Lordship home, her marriage, the sale of the home, and Nancy's move to the Carolinas with her husband (who is not a nice man). She needed to know about Nancy's death as well.
I sit here looking at the computer screen and realize I still have such sorrow about my Mom and Nancy as well. I realize, that for all intents and purposes, it isn't easy to "deal" with either loss. But it has to be this way, doesn't it? I realize that all over we are all dealing with our losses. Relationships, people, homes, jobs, memories...
OK, back to Mom. I went through most of the family history, including my sister Amy's marriage and reminding Mom she has 2 grandchildren that are Amy and Bobby's kids. Sad again, to have to tell Mom who I am, and explain about our children. Move past the sad to the information she wants and needs. I tell her about our kids and where they are and how proud we are of them, and that Miah is in Europe this week. Casey moved to Louisiana, and the others have their own apartments as well. What I didn't feel the need to say is that we had the kids move out, only to have the "kids" move in! Dirty dishes in their room, including glasses, spoons...dirty clothes on the floor, dresser is a mess.
Back to Europe. Well, Mom brightened right up, and said, "I was there with you! France!" Boy, sometimes you do make good decisions, don't you? That was a good decision, back in 2005 or 2006, to bring Mom to Paris. I was worried a bit about it at the time, but in addition to her vibrant nature, she is a trooper. She traveled so very well, loved every minute of the trip and had NO patience with some of the "ugly Americans" who were in our group.
Talking with Mom about history of us is good for me, too, because it reminds me of all the crazy fun stuff we have done and still can do.
I finished up with bringing her the notebook we made. She opened it up and immediately started flipping through the pages. Dad finally came back into the room, and looked at the book with her. That's when I started to get teary. It's the true meaning of bittersweet, I think. Thanks, Patti, for using that word the other day - it just fits.
Now, I know you all expect some laughs and there really were some funny spots, including Mom saying, "But what happened to my brain? I'm not crazy, right?" You're probably all "That's not funny", but her face was quite funny. She did the "I'm crazy as a loon" face...I told her "Worms ate your brain" and she laughed. She was very concerned about being "not like Nonny, right?" and I assured her she was no wicked witch, and was easy and we loved her very much. Not sure she bought that last part - she screwed her face up, like a 7 year old boy whose aunt hugs him too tightly!
As I said, I should be grading...
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