Chez Rozarie

So my last piece was written before shutdown, before staying at home was for the good of all, before schools closed and went virtual, before our lives were upended, and before many lost theirs. It was written before we began again this walk to justice, this walk to civil rights for all. It was written before people began to ask me if we experienced what was being talked about in public by all - and what's more what is being listened to by most. It was written in the before time changed world. Today, we are beginning to open up again. We are careful, many wear our masks faithfully to protect others. Some just don't care and have no problems telling others this. They have outed themselves in their selfishness and lack of care about their elders and neighbors. I washed 7 masks yesterday doing my laundry! SEVEN! That alone tells me how much I've traveled about in the past week. My usual number was TWO for the week. I'm even getting used to matching the masks to my shirt...

For a long time, being a Mom was the ultimate identity I had. I teach this stuff for college students so I think about identity a lot. What it is...always goes to a key concept: "am I who I say I am, or who I appear to be to others". Mom is the one you call when things are hard. How many of us remember the voice screaming, "MA!"? Or the crying and running to where you are? There are so many ways our Momness takes front and center. Mom is also the one you blame when you have troubles, whether those troubles happen before you become an adult or in your young adulthood. I often blamed both my parents for not encouraging me to play more sports. Yes, I played recreation volleyball and basketball - that was what we had - no Title 9 until I was in high school. But Mom told me not to run because of my big boobs - no such thing as a sports bra in those days, either. Given my self-consciousness about those boobs, I paid attention to what she said. I didn't think to ...

Reflecting upon this past year, with too many emotions that are "opposites". Sadness and frustration, happiness and satisfaction...spent time with cousins of my youth, and their families...showed my favorite North American city to a great friend, spent time at the Casino for the WNBA games of the Sun, taught Algebra (me!), and now Criminal Justice. Family was both a pleasure and a challenge. Why I thought as I aged this would be easier, who knows! It isn't. Dealt with Dad's accident, came together with family (well, some of us) for care issues. We're glad he didn't end up a floater, for sure. Mom is still in my mind, as are Nancy and Carla. I said "in" and mean that. "On", to me, just sits on top, floats around, up and down and all around. "In" means in there - poking around at memories and thoughts and plans - sometimes a great fit, other times like a splinter. Friends dealt with loss, sadly - my thoughts and support are wi...

This is a road trip summer for me. It began with a trip to southern Illinois to see a cousin that I saw almost 60 years ago. It was great to meet her as adults, and to spend valuable time with her and the family. That connection is important to me and it was worth the time - every mile of driving! Got to travel half way with a friend to meet her friend and spend the night as well. If you know me at all, you know I am an observer and love to meet people - I'm one of those people who never "met a stranger". Next trip was with my lifelong friends to a place where people live all of their lives - Pennsylvania Dutch country. We missed one of us terribly, but hope to catch up with her for next year's journey. Lifelong friends are truly your family of choice. Also fun and full of laughing! Lucky enough to rent a farmhouse. Unlike slumber parties of old, there is no sleeping in bags on the floor - we each had our own rooms, in comfy beds! A little wine, a little cider...pig...

Some of you know I am not a big fan of Mother's Day. Years ago, when I became a mother, we had the Mothers over for Mother's Day. Some years it was cold cuts, other years, burgers and dogs. We always had a homemade cake. Then one year I had enough of that. So my sister Carla had a brunch that she set up and invited all her folks to - it was lovely, of course. I came across pictures of it when going through her photos. It was in the community room at Tide Harbor .where she lived at the time. She made eggs, and meats, there was fruit salad, pastries, rolls. Orange and other fruit juices. Really nice, but a LOT of work. Now Carla was thought by many not to have had any children, but in reality, she raised a bunch of kids over the years. Like many people, she learned (as did all of her kids) that you do not have to give birth to a person to raise that person right - to be a Mother. Just like all of us Mothers, she learned that even with the best of intentions, those children go t...

Having some trouble with the most recent family member passing on. Carla left us in December, and it still isn't real to me. Even after cleaning out her apartment (and I wasn't the one who did most of it...), and going through pictures, it is still a bit unreal to me. So tonight, when I took out the garbage can (only 1 this week!), I looked up at the sky and saw all the stars. We think about stars in so many different ways. There are the stars of big and little screen, of music, theater, local stars. Then there are the stars in the sky - the ones that form constellations, that gleam with light. Of course I know that these balls of light are plasma held together with gravity (hey - I did teach Big History, which included all this science stuff). But don't they seem so other worldly and heavenly? I can understand how those ancient people named these pieces of the sky, linking them as shapes that anthropomorphize them - put them into people. We sit outside at night, in the...

When we reflect on the past, it is often either the most recent past or long ago times that come to mind. Yet a reflection should be about a subject or specific, I think. Family comes to mind this year, as the ashes that we have custody of increased, and family members are not here anymore. Family are also not in the country this year as lives have become more global. We close another year having more knowledge first hand of our own country, having traveled across much of it. Family isn't just blood as we all should know by now. My pleasure this year was to travel with some of the best people in my life ever. We flew, drove, walked, laughed, cried, drank. ate, talked in no specific order. 6 women, who started in life in similar places, went through life in part together, in part separate, raised kids, worked in many careers. Common threads, with common dreams. We want the best for our families, have different ideas of how to get that for and with them. Bonds once forged and broke...

Saw Dad tonight down at the seawall with his "old man crew". It was just a quick stop. He was there for the same reason I was there - it was freakin' hot! The seawall in Lordship is certainly one of the breeziest places in Stratford when the temperature is still up there at 6 p.m. I'm sure another reason he was there is because today would have been Mom's 81st birthday. I prefer to remember her on 2 days especially - her birthday and Mother's Day. My neighborfriend and I were talking about Mom last night as we tried to catch a breeze outside. She is working with someone who was a kid growing up in Lordship with us, and told my neighborfriend how much her Mom liked my Mom and who she was. Her Mom was a bit younger than my Mom. It made me happy to hear that. The loss of Mom still lingers, of course. It's just part of who I am now - I guess that's how it works after a few years. I'm glad, so glad, that our kids really got to know their Grammie so ...

Hey, Mom. Miss you every day, still. Don't cry about it too much anymore, but do more laughing. Think about all the fun times we had growing up and then as adults with you. So glad our kids knew you when you were full of fun and fearless, before your brain began to recede from all around you. I posted a picture of you with Miah on his bike...you were still in your fearless mode, sporting your shamrock tattoo, your red crocs and a big ass smile. That smile is one I hold in my heart always. Went on a trip a few weeks ago with the girls - these girls that I grew up with, and now am getting old with. We talked about our mothers, and how much they meant to us. I learned how all of our experiences with our mothers shape us into mothers and into people who at some point teach our children to parent, whether they have kids or not. These mothers of my friends, they were so much more than I ever thought they were. I hope that the next generation thinks that about us. I do remember thi...

Been thinking about ashes for awhile now, especially as the year ends, and I reflect upon those who are no longer physically with us. It's also anniversary time for deaths, which I try not to think about. I prefer to remember birth dates which seem to be embedded in my head, but those loss dates for some people just stick like they're held with Gorilla Glue. Of course, we have a stash of ash, like folks do today. Used to be you went to a cemetery to pay your respects, leave love and flowers. Now, we have little bottles in our homes that carry the remains of our loved ones. It probably started for some of us with our pets. We have our Bama girl. She's in a tin, like the kind you used to put recipes in. You know, you'd write them out, or yank 'em out of magazines. Now we use Pinterest or leave them in our email. Once in a while I print one out, and put it in my nearly antique BH&G cookbook that was my Mom's. Bama floats around the house. Sometimes the tin ...

As promised, here is an account of our recent road trip. Dad and I went first to Southern Pines, North Carolina, then to Gettysburg for those of you not keeping track. For about 3 months, Dad has mentioned that he was thinking of going to see his sister-in-law, Mom's sister Dee. He and I drove down there 2 years ago to see her and her husband where they live in a little town not far from Fort Bragg, NC. It is in the midst of golf country (Pinehurst ring a bell?). Aunt Dee and family lived in Southern Pines for a long time...back when I was 19, I drove down there by myself, and hung out with my cousins and had a great time. This episode does stand out though: My Uncle Paul (passed away 16 or 17 years ago) took me with him to spread pine straw on the yard of a house on the golf course at Pinehurst. Not having a clue what that meant, I hopped in the southern version of a Cadillac (pick up truck) in my halter top and short shorts (hey - I was 19 and svelte). We picked up a few bale...

We are so sad...bereft.  Yet, we move on in life.  If you don't think dogs have souls, or are family members, you had best leave this post here.  Santana, our 12 year old German Shepherd that we rescued when he was one, died at home on July 28th.  He was hospiced by our youngest daughter, who stayed with him as he grew weak.  While he tried to stay alive just one more day, that heart of his just quit.  We missed him by about 18 hours. When a big dog's heart starts to quit, it is fast, faster than I admitted to myself that it would go.  We knew he was not as strong as he'd been, nor was he as agile.  His back end was a bit tough for him to raise up these past few months.  While he continued to be playful with the puppydog (2 year old Jupiter - boxer mix) he sometimes just plopped down in the midst of the action.  He didn't huff and puff until a week ago last Friday. At the vet's for his kennel shots (the plan was for the pups to be ke...

Last week, we said goodbye to a man who has been part of my life since I was 13.  We met in 7th grade, during a cross class discussion in Social Studies at Johnson Junior High.  It was in June as we finished our 7th grade year up. Of course, if you are a teacher, work in a school, or remember your own school days, you know about June in school.  Nearly impossible to keep kids learning once the warm weather hits, teachers will do just about anything to keep those kids busy.  So our Social Studies teachers paired up kids from each class, and set topics for discussion.  No, of course I don't remember the topic! I do, thought, remember that we argued for the better part of 30 minutes.  It set up our relationship for the rest of his life.  It also taught me that one can argue with people and still be friends. We argued about the weather.  Was it going to rain?  What was the pollen count?  Tree or grass?  He had wicked bad allergies...

Wow...guess life has taken over, huh?  Been awhile since I had the opportunity to sit and think and write.  Working as a substitute teacher these days - every day.  Love the kids, like most of the teachers, and love what I am teaching (Global Studies and Civics).  People freak out when I say I work in Bridgeport, but come on. To paraphrase Lin-Manuel Miranda, kids are kids are kids are kids...Sure, there are difficulties in kids' families and households, but there are difficulties in the richest towns, too.  Those folks just sweep them up a bit quicker. Also got a kid back in the house with us.  We are quickly becoming the "old folks" around here.  The youngest is baaaaack from her southern life, with her animals.  Excitement abounds, as the southern dog and the northern dog play and fight and play and fight.  I watch the southern dog (all 40 pounds of her 18 month old self) take on the northern dog (90 pounds of his 11 year old self) regul...

This isn't always an easy time of year.  Actually, it can be the most stressful time of the year, can't it?  Expectations are high, so fulfilling those is stressful.  Memories of those gone or not present can be sad, and so much more. We begin to reminisce in the weirdest places at the most strange of times.  Have you ever seen a person standing in a store with a blank look?  Shopping in the grocery store (I have the strangest desire to call it a market instead these days...wonder why?), the smells and sights of various aisles...the bakery aisle always reminds me of the first time we went to the new Shop Rite on Barnum Avenue next to the new McDonald's... Just kids, we had the wildest times shopping.  We hung out in the magazine and toy aisles - newly added to stores in the late 60's.  Shop Rite was brand new, and the bakery was bangin'.  Cookies that you could smell being baked, bread that was warm.  Mom would rarely buy from there, not ...

There is sadness, fear, disappointment, and a sense that our country is still full of racism, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism.  My Dad, a Trump voter (come on - you cannot be surprised at that - he has only voted Dem in Presidential elections once that I know of), was at first proud his "guy" won.  Then, after realizing his beloved grandson was so very worried, concerned, upset and angry, started to think.  He thought and thought, about the worries his grandson and I voiced about our President - Elect, about the lack of progress this vote pointed to, about the fear that we have regarding the legitimization of difference and prejudice, about who will be blamed and treated as less then in the coming years. My Dad is an old guy.  He's come a long way over the years for an old white guy, who worked at 1 job for over 35 years.  Dad put up with a lot from his wife and daughters, heck even the pets were female at some points in our family life.  There is really o...

So the temperatures here in the Northeast have been the same or higher than those in Louisiana, where one of our kids is living.  It does bring me back to summer lazy days, and when no one had air conditioning, so everyone's windows were open, and you could hear all of the folks in the neighborhood.  You knew what was on television (and we only had TVs in our living rooms or dens in those days), smelled what was for dinner, and knew when it was bedtime.  You knew who drank coffee, and who drank tea, and who drank!  We lived our lives in semi-privacy. Stoop sitting was the norm.  No one had a deck, and if you were lucky enough to have a pool (my parents' first one went in when I was already married...), you had a single ladder in.  We went down the beach for evening swims at high tide.  If you had a small sailboat, you pulled it down the street to put it in the water and catch the Sound breezes. Mom, when we were little, brought us the 4 or so block...

So I guess I've been busy as I see I haven't posted in 2 months!  Let's fix that right now. Summer time always reminds me of road trip vacations.  You know what I'm talking about...remember those trips, where we sat in the back seat of cars, with no air conditioning, and rode along the highway to some destination for a few days or, if we were lucky, for a week to somewhere different and interesting?  Think about your trips when you were kids...if you are an only child, you were likely given a bag of "stuff" to keep you busy, and probably not expected to talk, whine, cry while driving was going on.  Those of us with siblings had a different experience. It began with seat jockeying for the window, if there were more than 2 of you.  Calling it was typical, and it had to be done right before the car got loaded - no doing it the night before as that wasn't "fair".  And if you had an enforcer listening (read "parent"), you would be forced...

As I looked for a picture to post on my facebook page for Mother's Day, I felt very verklempt (look it up...it's a great word that sounds so much better in Yiddish than in English).  Every picture I looked at was better than the last one.  This one had twinkling eyes, that one had that elfen mouth, that one had her arms in perfect "I gotcha" position. It got me to thinking when I took those pictures.  So many the last few years.  Every time she put on a "face", wore one of her many pairs of glasses, when we went on "field trips" to craft stores.  Mom was a character for sure, wasn't she?  If you didn't know her personally, I hope you know about her from seeing these pictures over the years, and reading about her. Then I started thinking about a regular topic that hits my brain often these days.  My kids are "cooked" mostly...occasionally they are medium rare, but never rare anymore.  Once in a while they ask questions that I w...